When tragedy strikes, how will you respond?
It’s time that we started talking about loss. Although it is the last thing in the world we would want to think about, the reality is that life is finite, and at some point you or your employees will face tragedy. Whether it is a family member, friend, or pet, loss is a complex and painful process. Unfortunately, many co-workers or leaders don’t really know how to respond or support people throughout their grief. More on that in a moment.
Perhaps one factor that accentuates the lack of skill in dealing with grief is the fact that the American workplace is largely devoid of any structural approach to dealing with the reality of loss. In the United states there is no law that requires paid time off to attend the funeral of a loved one, and workers on average receive only three days to grieve [1]. This issue, unfortunately, has become even more prevalent and visible with the rise of the COVID-19 pandemic, and the passing of many loved ones across the country. Our response as a culture to emotion is really quite brutal, quantifying grief and designating a set amount of time for people to grieve: 4 days for a spouse or child, 3 days for other family members, one day for an aunt or cousin, and 0 days for a friend or colleague. [2] It is as harsh as it sounds.
These policies are ingrained into the U.S. workforce, and have created an environment that is essentially asking people to simply leave their pain at the door. It is no wonder that a culture that largely ignores grief struggles to respond and support people as they cope with the fallout of life-changing loss.
The “Get Over It” Approach
While it might (hopefully) seem obvious, simply telling someone to get over the pain of loss is an approach that ignores the reality of how grief impacts people. Grief has an impact on people and their ability to contribute in the workplace. Here just a glimpse at the way grief can affect your team members:
- Trouble concentrating
- Lack of motivation
- Difficulty making decisions
- Confused and forgetful
- Withdrawn from social interactions
- At increased risk of illness or injury
Employees are only human. During periods of grief, the last thing that occupies most of someone’s thoughts is that email that needs to go out, or the order of operations on the factory floor. Leaders may think they are costing themselves productivity and output by giving employees time to grieve. Not only is this a callous approach that demonstrates they prioritize profit over people, but it also could end up costing them more in the long run. Whether it is a mistake made or an on-the-job injury (which could cost far more than you realize), you are doing yourself and much more importantly your people a disservice by not providing adequate time to grieve.
What can an organization do?
Your people are your most valuable asset. Without them you cannot achieve your mission. As you support them in their time of need, bear this in mind. There are several ways to do this but foundationally, begin to build a culture within your organization that allows for grief, and encourages people to heal instead of ignoring their pain and getting back to the desk. Here are just a few ways to begin:
Offer bereavement
Time off is one of the most important things for a person dealing with loss. Whether a pet or family member, there is often so much to figure out in the wake of a tragedy that can take time and energy to organize in an already difficult time. This is not a time that they should be worrying about their finances. If they end up needing more time, offer family medical leave if it is available. Give them time to sort out the immediate aftermath and don’t create pressure to return.
Check-In
A second reminder here to not be overbearing, but also don’t disconnect from your team member. Loss can be naturally very isolating and whether it is a phone call or email, you can remind them that you care, and that they matter to you even when they are away.
Support their return
Upon their return to work, provide them with an environment of encouragement and communication. Allow them to be emotional and distracted and ease back into things. Keep communication open and be available for any needs they may have. Keep them in the loop of what’s going on, invite them to work events as normal, and importantly, make sure they know they are not alone. You may also need to be flexible. Your employee may need additional time off as they process through the loss.
Show them you care
Small gestures can be very meaningful. Whether it is a card from the team, or a bouquet of flowers, there are many ways to show you care instead of just saying it. You can provide additional support by sharing available resources to help them deal with their loss (don’t force it). One disclaimer: everyone handles grief differently so use your best judgment and knowledge of your employee as you think about showing support.
Be present, but don’t be something you are not
You are not a grief counselor. As an organization, create an environment that allows your people to open up if they desire but never forces them to. Create a culture that keeps them safe both physically and psychologically, but don’t assume that you know best what they should feel or that you can fix their situation. You can’t. But you can be there for them.
I’m a coworker, what can I do?
Working alongside someone who is going through the process of grieving can be awkward. You may feel that you don’t know what to say, how to interact with them, and how to best support them. Like we mentioned, the US workforce has a habit of leaving personal matters at the door. But when loss strikes, it is generally beyond our control. Asking a coworker to leave loss at the door demonstrates a lack of emotional intelligence, and a failure to understand just how deeply loss affects people. The foundation of emotional intelligence is a keen understanding of your own emotions. It is ok to be uncomfortable with loss and unsure of what to say. Here are a few tips to better support a coworker dealing with tragedy:
Choosing the right words
If knowing what to say to someone who is grieving is challenging for you, you are not alone. It is a challenging topic that can quickly end up feeling awkward. When in doubt, keep it simple, to the point, and supportive. Here are some examples:
- “I’m sorry for your loss.”
- “Is there anything I can do to support you right now?”
- “Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.”
Avoid trying to relate
It is one thing to show empathy. It is another entirely to communicate something along the lines of “I know how you feel”. Express your condolences but never try to compare your colleague’s loss to something you have experienced.
Create flexibility
It is likely that during loss, your colleague will need to take time off. Even after they return to work, it can be vital for them to continue to take additional time to preserve their mental health, spend time with loved ones, and simply continue to grieve. As a coworker, you have the opportunity to support them by stepping in to take work off their plate or make sure they aren’t worried about meeting deadlines and making it to every single meeting. There are countless ways to alleviate pressure, here are a few:
- Take a task off their plate
- Let them know you can update them on important updates from any meeting they may need to miss
- Donate time off if your company allows it
- Keep them updated on project progress
Let empathy drive patience
Pain and loss make people less effective. What can you expect:
- Fatigue
- Forgetfulness
- Less productive than usual
- Shorter temper
- Less communicative than usual
Grieving colleagues can try your patience at times. Think about how you would want to be treated if you were in their shoes. Be as forgiving as possible when they are slow to get you something you need, or forget details on a project. Try to take the lead on communication as necessary and when impatience begins to creep in, focus on empathy. No one is at their best during tough times.
Know your people
Tragedy is universal, but individuals are unique. Whether you are a leader of an organization looking to create a culture that more effectively deals with loss, or a co-worker trying to better support a team mate, it all starts with a culture that allows you to build genuine connections with people. The more you understand each other, the better you will be able to adapt to the idiosyncrasies of each person’s situation and create a work environment that creates a safe, empowering place for people to heal.
If you have any questions about how to drive a healthy culture, dealing with bereavement, or just want to chat, we would love to connect.
Head to www.ledgestone.com/contact to get in touch!
[1] https://www.businessinsider.com/bereavement-leave-asking-time-off-work-funeral-2020-5
